Why I need to live in a place with good public transportation.

Guys, sometimes (read: all the time) when I drive, I put the seat so far forward that even I have trouble getting out of the car.

Yep, I bet my stepfather loves when I'm home.

Thought of the day.

If you have a vanity plate that reads, "COOLMOM," you probably are not one.

Musings on deliciousness.

Friends--

The peanut butter and banana sandwich is a fine art. The main components, both so delicate, require the perfect proportions, otherwise they will fall into a bloody battle rather than a delicate pas de deux.

Well, friends, today I made that perfect peanut butter and banana sandwich. PERFECT. I meant to take a picture but then I just ate it instead.

I have no regrets.

Confusion.

First of all--sun. burn.

I'm confused because I just saw a commercial for a Victoria's Secret push-up bra that instantly adds two cup sizes. But...two cup sizes is a lot. Wouldn't someone notice if you were suddenly two cup sizes bigger? Especially if you were a small cup size to begin with? Wouldn't it be awkward if your flat-chested friend who you call "Flattie" suddenly walked in to your room one day and had HUGE knockers? I feel like that would be awkward. I don't understand.

Yep.

Am I disturbed? Abso-tootin-lutely. And yet I felt I needed to share. Isn't that the funny thing about friendship?

Realizations.

Imagine this:

You have curly hair. You don't shower for three days. Now you have dreadlocks.

Whoops.

Cloudy with a chance of meatballs.

What's the forecast?

Sunny, with a 98% chance of me being dressed inappropriately dressed for the weather.

Why alcohol is dangerous.

Dear young people:

Why is alcohol dangerous?

-Alcohol poisoning?

-Law-breaking?

-Random hookups?

No. Well, yes. But no.

Alcohol is dangerous because it will make your brain think: "What is a good snack to have at 3:30am? Oh, I know--this leftover burrito from Taqueria. OF COURSE!"

And then your body will rebel against itself and your soul will become a war casualty thank you that is all.

Kids do the darndest (read: dumbest) things.

I just found out that my friend's bat mitzvah theme was: HATS.

That's it. Just think about it: HATS.

Thoughts for the day.

Milk choices for my coffee in Ferris Booth:
-Half-and-half
-2%
-Cold milk

..."cold milk"? I'mmm not sure I understand.

Also, weather.com--when I look at you and you tell me it's NOT raining, and then I walk outside and it IS in fact raining, you have failed at your most basic duty. And you really messed up my day. THANKS.

I'm back!

I decided the following today:

You know what, coffee elitists, I don't care what you say. I like my coffee with milk and sugar, and that's the end of the discussion.

I figure, I like coffee like myself. Sweet. And caucasian.

?

Netfliiiiix, c'monnnn.

How the EFF am I supposed to do my work when Netflix has seasons 1-4 of That's So Raven available to watch instantly?

Oh, cruel universe.

Now I never have to stop drinking COFFEE!

Blue Java Loyalty Rewards Program? Buy 9 coffees, get the 10th free (any size)?

Yes, please!

Finally, working in Lerner will get me something other than annoyance with the Columbia student body (friends excluded)!

FUN CITY SURPRISES!

Sidewalk salt + snow= BLUE SNOW!

BLOW!

...

BlUE SNOW!

Bubbles and Birthdays.

Why does this keep happening to me? Who is the phantom who has gone into my ICal (which I NEVER use, btw) and inserted the birthdays of people whose names I do not even recognize. Over winter break, it was "Ethan's Birthday." Tonight, a reminder popped up telling me that it was "Jamie's Birthday." Who is Ethan? WHO IS JAMIE?? And why have they chosen to haunt my Macbook applications? Should I be scared? Because I am.

Also, as I began typing this post, a bubble from the tonic water I was drinking bounced up and hit me in the eye. It really burned. But it's worth it for the delicious nectar of straight tonic water. I guess I just really like quinine?

Try to breathe.

Cherubs application officially sent in!

Now, the waiting begins...

Panic attacks subside...somewhat...

MY PASSPORT FINALLY CAME IN THE MAIL TODAY.

France is a go, y'all!

And I didn't pay $200 extra for the expedited option. I gambled and won!*

*Note: underage gambling is neither condoned nor encouraged by theblogthatknewtoomuch.com.

YAYAYAYAY!

Guys--I am officially doing an acting thesis next year!!!!!!

I mean, that's really all the info I can give you. I don't even know what the shows for next fall or spring are and I won't actually know my part until after auditions happen but I do know that I will be cast FOR SURE in SOMETHING.

And I am incredibly excited.

I'll keep you posted with the info as I get it.

Thanks, Wiki.

GUYS CAROL CHANNING IS STILL ALIVE.

Some things in the world are SO confusing.

At the TIC.

An old man just wandered up, asking my co-worker and I--

"Are either of you Jewish? By any chance??"

...

Never a truer gchat.

Rachel (1:02am): where are the clean men

SOS.

It's the books. I woke up this morning and they had a knife to my throat and they said, "if you buy even one more of us shit is gonna get scary up in this place THERE IS JUST NO MORE ROOM."

I'll wait here while you call for help. Hurry. Stoppard's giving me the stink eye as I write this and Suzan-Lori Parks is guarding the door and she looks ready to get my murder DONE.

From my drafts.

I meant to post this last week and forgot!

First of all, on my way downtown to work, I ran into one of my favorite freshman gingers on the subway. Then, 7 hours later when I was getting off the subway back on campus, there he was again! Fate? I think yes. Plus, it was great to have someone share the following adventure with me:

Across from us on the subway was a woman. Like many women in the modern world, she was carrying a purse. Inside the purse, was a dog! But it wasn't one of those shriveled little purse dogs. It was like, a substantial terrier. And it was ADORABLE AND IT LOOKED AT ME AND WE MADE FRIENDS.

Anyway.

Next to the woman/dog was an older, somewhat homeless-looking man. He was eating a doughnut. A jelly doughnut, to be exact. He was enjoying it immensely, and every once in a while he would get some jelly on his coat but he would see it and get it off, don't worry. However, this man did NOT see the dog, which was watching him like a hawk the entire time he ate this doughnut. I'm pretty good at reading the minds of dogs, and I'm pretty positive this dog was saying, "I was I had hands so I could punch this guy and eat his doughnut". Keep in mind, the dog could only move his eyes, since he was inside a purse. And every time some jelly would come out of the doughnut, his eyes would get HUGE. And then once the dog realized I was watching HIM like a hawk, he would turn and look at me with his puppy eyes as if to say two things:

1. "Ya wanna help me out with this doughnut here?"
2. "Please tell this lady I am WAYYYY too big to be in a purse!"

The dog never got that doughnut. But BOY did I have a good time watching him try!

Overheard in Lerner.

Two people in front of me in line at Cafe 212--

Girl (to Gay Male Companion): Do you have any electrical tape? I'm not wearing a bra tonight and I don't want my nipples to show.

Gay Male Companion: Why don't you just use Band-aids?

Girl: I guess I could. (Sigh) But Band-Aids are so unsexy.

Me (in my head, to myself): AND ELECTRICAL TAPE IS THE PINNACLE OF SEX APPEAL?

Also, I had to make up a lab today, so I was paired with some stranger and she was the worst EVER. She kept doing things wrong and when I would (politely) try to correct her, she'd be all, "Nah, I know what I'm doing." But then later, when the teacher would point out her mistake, she'd shoot me a DEATH GLARE and say, "why didn't you tell me that before?" She was majorly scary. Also, it's not my fault that you can't seem to grasp which is the x-axis and which is the y, Boo. It's just funny because she thought I was super incompetent, but actually she was just too incompetent to understand my competence.

Whatever. SEE YOU IN ENVIRONMENTAL SCIENCE HELL, BITCH.

AHH.

Cold sweats AND nightmares!

Eep.

So waking up continually throughout the night in cold sweats--that's probably bad, right?

Cold. Sweats. Bad.

InspirationInspirationInspiration.

Edward Bond wrote:

"What is drama? There are two cups, one white and one blue.

The white cup has a handle. The blue cup has none. We break

the two cups and trample and scatter the pieces. We carefully

reassemble them. No fragment is left over. There is no crack on

the cups, not one sign of breakage, each cup is perfect. But the

blue cup has a handle and the white cup has none. Drama

changes reality."

Drama changes reality.

This is me right now.

Continued thoughts from this morning.

I was wondering this morning, why does my body wake up 50 times faster than my brain?

Now I realize, it's because my brain is fucking tired. All it does is analyze at the speed of light, all the time. My body, on the other hand, has been a sloth for the last 20 years. It's ready to go.

Also, I'm SUPER excited about Orpheus and the Sirens. Especially because I googled my character, and this was one of the first things that came up:

"Of the Sirens, there was Leucosia, the "white maiden," who, with her flawless beauty and forked tongue, brought many men to their deaths..."

Damn. Right.

Thoughts from the morning.

Does anyone look good doing step aerobics at 9am? Or in general?

After a mere two classes, I can already say with great confidence, NO. No to both.

The real highlight of the class for me is the array of dance mixes, which the teacher LOVES. More than that, she loves to shout out random lyrics from the songs and alter them to make them about step aerobics.

For example, when "Don't Cha" by the Pussycat Dolls was playing:

"Don't Cha--love step? Yes you do, you just don't know it yet!"

...

The next section of this post will have two parts. The first is a confession and the second is an explanation. Ready? Okay.

1. Confession: Guys, I love the Bachelor. There, I said it. I love the Bachelor and I love that Hulu conveniently posts two hours for me to watch every week. I love the group dates, I love the drama, I love the tacky cocktail dresses. I LOVE ITTTT! Okay, now that I've got that out of my system--

2. Explanation: I love the Bachelor because it is just 100% nonsense. Don't give me this Real World stuff-- I don't want to see "real people" "living together" and "experiencing youth." No. I am a real person living with other real people and we're all experience youth. I want something completely UNREAL. Enter--The Bachelor. Ladies, let's think about this. In real life, is it acceptable to go on two dates with a guy, who you happen to know is also seeing other people (like 10-12 other people) and then hear him say, "I'm falling for you"? No. If that happened to you in real life, you would run. You would run far far away and probably never call him again and possibly get a restraining order. But in The Bachelor, they just say, "I'm falling for you, too". ALL OF THEM. It's nonsense and I love it. I love it I love it I love it.

I swear, I have more legitimate thoughts during the day, too.

Winter wonders.

The funny thing about HUGE winter hats is that they make the sex of the wearer completely indistinguishable.

And that makes for an adventure every time.

TIC Tales.

One of the sandwich guys in Cafe 212 does not like his job.

I can tell by his eyes and the way he looks at me when he's using that giant knife to cut my turkey. I can tell he's imagining it's my face.

In happier news, I made a friend at work today! She was 4 (NOT 3, as she vehemently specified) and she was waiting for a play date with Theo and she took off her shoe and we laughed and laughed and laughed because it is VERY funny to take off your shoes. And then she told me that we met in make-believe yesterday and there was a poopy monster but she didn't protect me. And then she met Kendale and called him "Candle." Many times and wouldn't stop.

Everything was going swimmingly until her mom FINALLY showed up and told her it was time to go, and she was so sad to leave us that she had a tantrum. I mean, I know I'm lovable but WOW she wanted to be best friends. Kids usually love me or hate me. For the former, I'd imagine it's because they think I'm one of them. For the latter, WHATEVER they're just jealous.

AHHHHH!

MOCHI HEADACHE MOCHI HEADACHE MOCHI HEADACHE BRAINFREEEEEEEZE!

OW.

Follow-up to last post.

This just in about the gym:

It's hot. And it smells.

Also, as I predicted, 9am is EARLY.

Way too early for smelly gym-time, that's for sure.

But...

9am cardio mix.

Why?

Whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhy?

Puppies. Just always more puppies.

This puppy looks like it's trying to be sexy, but the whole thing didn't quite work out.

But it's okay--I still love it anyway.

Also, the next dog's bio is written in first person (or rather, first puppy), and you guys KNOW that's my favorite!

"Hi, my name is Nemo! I love the snow. I like chasing my ball at the park but sometimes I have trouble stopping. I also like to hunt for hidden treasures. I especially love when I can find Mommy's socks and shoes though I don't think she likes it very much. If I'm not sniffing around for things I'm usually sleeping on top of the laundry. Oh, and I love kids! Just the sound of them makes my nub wag!"

"Nub Wag". Maybe it's just me but doesn't that sound like the newest hour-long sexy comedy coming to Showtime?

Brecht.

Came across this in some reading over break and just remembered the coolness:

"Can we speak of money in the form of iambics?"

Already getting excited.

One last thing. Well, two.

Just in case you haven't seen these yet. Enjoy (although how could you not?).

Now watch it like, 3 more times and LOOK AT THAT KID'S FACE!

Classes start tomorrow?

First, I found this today and think it's thoroughly hilarious. Maybe it's just me. But I don't think so.

Second--Golden Globes, what were you thinking?? Avatar? SERIOUSLY? I know, I know, it's "revolutionary," it'll "change filmmaking forever". In my mind, not so much.

Reasons why I'm right and Avatar fanatics are wrong:

1. Could the screenplay have been cheesier? It was painfully obvious that the team was so excited about the animation that they may have written it in 30 minutes. And it may have involved refrigerator magnet poetry.

2. Did any character actually want anything? What ever happened to that whole Unobtainium plot?

3. Na'vi sex. Uncomfortabletown, USA--population: every audience member across America.

4. I'd rather see 2 minutes of real human interaction on film that watch the emotional journey of a CGI. CGI tears don't do anything for me, personally.

5. Don't give me this slapped together, transparent message about the environment. If you want to bill your movie as "An action-packed 3D movie experience," I am ALL for it. But don't pretend you actually care about the environment. If you did, you would have taken that (how much?) $200 million and actually put some of it towards helping the environment.

6. THIS is true and there's just no way around it.

I'm sorry about this rant. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I was just really disappointed by Avatar. Fair?

In happier movie news, I saw Up in the Air tonight and was BLOWN AWAY. It made me laugh, it made me cry. Literally. And that says something. It was just a great story with interesting characters and terrific performances. I was happy for Mo'nique's win because that shit was legit, but Vera Farmiga was also pretty unbelievable. I feel like this movie is not really getting the praise it deserves. It just truly affected me and, in my (uneducated, unimportant) opinion, that is what art should do. So thank you, Jason Reitman. Done.

Lastly, I feel it is my duty to post a song that was introduced to me this weekend. Because these lyrics are just ridiculous. In the best way. R Kelly, you may be some sort of sick genius.

A philosophical question.

At what point does an interest in fake mustaches become a fetish?

And then an obsession?

Or is that order reversed?

Discuss.

Catch up. Ketchup?

Although I haven't been posting very much during the last few weeks in Pennsylvania, please do not mistake this for a lack of blog-worthy events. In fact, I've been recording said events as drafts on my cell phone. I will now post for your pleasure (or not whatever I DON'T NEED YOUR APPROVAL).

1. Today I went to Lenscrafters to get my glasses adjusted. I was simply fixated with the section of merchandise that they had chosen to label, "Feminine Charm". Because maybe it's just me, but "Feminine Charm" sounds like the name of a douche and nothing else.

2. There's no better feeling than the satisfaction of cleaning up all your various inboxes. I did my gmail, webmail, and facebook all in one day. It was necessary. Every time I logged on to facebook, I saw my 130+ unread inbox messages (not an exaggeration) and felt pretty bad about myself. But no longer!

3. I CAN'T STOP PLAYING NONOGRAMS. They are so addicting that when I close my eyes at night, I see the numbers moving on the insides of my eyelids (bad?). Seriously, try them if you haven't yet: FUN HERE!

4. I know it's 2 weeks late, but I think I've finally come up with a new year's resolution:

I WILL start to film the sketches I've written this year. Done. I've waited too long already.

Plane tickets.

PLANE TICKETS HAVE BEEN PURCHASED.

PARIS: SPRING BREAK 2010!

À bientôt, y'all!