"She's 17. I'm 42 and she's 17. I'm older than her father, can you believe that? I'm dating a girl, wherein, I can beat up her father."

Re-watching Manhattan for the umpteenth time this afternoon, the question popped into my head: What has happened to romantic comedies?

Here is a film that has taken the most unlikely obstacles (underage lovers, adultery, lesbian ex-wives), and managed to morph them into a laugh-out-loud funny, beautiful, intellectual romance--the definition of a romantic comedy. I hate to revert back to cliche, but they really don't make them like they used to. Even simply looking at the wikipedia listing of romantic comedies by year, it's clear that while the quantity of high-profile romantic comedies has increased, the quality has significantly decreased. Compare 1987, with Moonstruck and The Princess Bride or 1993--Groundhog Day and Sleepless in Seattle-- to 2009.

2009:

• Bride Wars (2009)
• He's Just Not That Into You (2009)
• Confessions of a Shopaholic (2009)
• Duplicity (2009)
• I Love You, Man (2009)
• 17 Again (2009)
• The Ghosts of Girlfriends Past (2009)
• My Life in Ruins (2009)
• The Proposal (2009)
• The Ugly Truth (2009)

What has happened to the romantic comedy?? Diverse, witty, classy romance films seem to be growing passé. Bring back the Annie Hall's, bring back the Apartment's, bring back the Clueless (RIP Brittany)'s. I'm starting to think it's hopeless. And that is not a romantic or funny thought.

THIS JUST IN.

UM GIRL IN BUTLER:

YOU CAN'T ANSWER YOUR PHONE IN HERE. WHAT THE EFF ARE YOU TRYING TO PULL?

Have you heard of a library before? Because you seem to be having issues grasping the basic concept.

My Great Movie.

Sometimes even classics...

...need to be remade...

(After it's done buffering, press the arrow to make it go!)

Life. Goal. Achieved.

Today, another student director called me her "sensei."

Can officially die now, knowing that I have not brought shame to my entire family.

Butler

"Jumbo Doughnuts" in Butler cafe--why must you taunt me?

All I wanted was you, Mr. Chocolate/Vanilla Swirled Glaze.

Luckily, my mind remembered just in time that one "Jumbo Doughnut" is probably equal to an entire day's advisable caloric intake.

But one day, before the world ends, you will be mine.

WOLVES.

GUYS. Not only do wolves play practical jokes on each other, but they also exchange, "long-tongued kisses".

!!!!!!!!!

What more could we hope from such a beautiful creature?!

A photo from one of my professor's lectures. It's like a puppy BUT SOMEHOW EVEN BETTER.

Sure I have a final tomorrow.

I mean, I've only written one page of an 8-10 page paper due Tuesday morning and yes, I have an exam at 9am but--

This is what I did today.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Lp3s4ygDw0&feature=related

Oh, also, I wrote this.

Haiku for a Croissant, Hungarian Pastry Shop, NYC

Flakey delicious, (5)

What goes great with butter? Why, (7)

More butter, of course!

TRUTH.

READING WEEK--------->EADING WEEK--------->EATING WEEK.

Seriously, though.

Quotations.

A quote straight from my wolf book, the author describing his stomach growling: "My demon drummer of the nether depths now chose to do his stuff, and the resultant cacophony rolled through the hush of the morning like distant thunder."

Guy at our table in Hungarian Pastry Shop: "YAY, my tea is here!" He proceed to drink it with his pinky standing upright.

Text from an Ethiopian who shall remain nameless, 2:20pm: "JuV wolf up where u at"

Oh, also, I guess this blog is back. We'll see. I'm not making any promises.

I am wise.

Dating advice from me to Sarah: "I'll take the band-aids."

Embarrassment.

Thanks for reminding me of this, Rach.

This weekend, very late at night when I may have been a bit intoxicated, I was walking with a gal pal to get some food on our way home. A homeless man approached us, asking if we had any spare change. I meant to say, "Sorry." Instead, I accidentally said, "No thank you," as though the man were hawking wares in ancient Arabia.

Hate myself.

Mottos.

Something that I realized yesterday--

The motto for Junior year thus far has been: WORK HARD, PLAY HARD.

The motto for Sophomore year was just: WORK HARD.

And I pretty sure the motto for Freshman year was: NEITHER WORK NOR PLAY HARD.

Hulu's posting of the latest Office episode: "This episode is brought to you by SUNCHIPS."

Is it just me, or are SUNCHIPS a really random thing to have a tv show brought to you by?

P.S. I'M BACK, Y'ALL. After a truly wonderful run of Tartuffe, I have returned to the world. And therefore, to this blog. MISS ME?

1-5.

1. Tea/Coffee/Everything just tastes better when it comes out of my Morton Salt Girl mug.

2. Sir walking on the street--shell out the dough and get yourself a Baby Bjorn. While you may think that the elaborately tied scarf you are using to strap your baby to your stomach is more "natural" and "free," it causes me a lot of unnecessary stress because I pass you on the sidewalk and I worry about your baby falling out. Shouldn't you be worried about this, too?

3. Where the EFF are my purple flats? If you took them, please give them back. Also, if you took them, wow you have small feet.

4. Two years after I first saw it and THIS still completely blows my mind.

5. Ten days until opening night.

People can be actually really mean.

At work. A very old asian lady just came up and asked me in broken English if we had Lion King tickets for tonight. When I told her we didn't, she sassed me with,

"Then why you sit here?"

The saddest part was, I didn't totally know how to answer.

Nearly disastrous.

This is how messy my room is.

I attempted to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and, on my way out of my room, slipped on a Cosmopolitan magazine.

In mid-air, as my life flashed before my eyes, I thought: "Dear God, this can't be how it ends."

RICKY'S CAN EVEN MAKE DOGS SLUTTY!!!

STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

SERIOUSLY. I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU'RE DOING. JUST STOP IT RIGHT NOW. BECAUSE YOU NEED TO WATCH THIS.

NOW.

The beginning of Wikipedia research for Orgon in Tartuffe.

I'm already starting to get inspired by scrappy cartoon characters.

Mainly Elmer Fudd and Scrappy Doo.

Also, according to WikiAnswers about Pooh characters, "Rabbit is a man bunny."

I'm so glad I'm finally getting to take my passion for theatre to the next level.

20.

202020202020202020202020202020202020.

20.

Still some 20 anxiety but it's beginning to fade.

And on the bright side, TWENTY!!!

This just in from my textbook.

Thanks, Environmental Science. You package your textbook to look so normal and then:

"Tides occur in patterns set by a celestial dance involving the earth, the moon, and, to a lesser extent, the sun."

ME THINKS "CELESTIAL DANCE" IS THE NEW TITLE OF MY ONE WOMAN SHOW.

BLOG.

OMG GUYZZZZ. First blog of junior year. And I'm writing it from my first day of work at the TIC! That's right, back in action already. Since I haven't written in a few days, I'll give you a brief summary of my current thoughts through two lists. SO COOL, RIGHT??

Things about Media, Pa that I am sad to be leaving:
-Wawa hoagies, coffee, and frozen cokes
-Rita's water ice (specifically a kid-size twist on a cone and the mint chocolate chip flavor cream ice)
-the mystery of the mouse*
-Quiddler: this FAMAZING card/word game that my family randomly found and is now obsessed with (I also love it because I finally found a word game where I can beat my brother...sometimes)
-dinner made by othets
-my blind, deaf, feeble (but LOVABLE) dog
-DOING NOTHING ALL DAY BESIDES WATCHING WEST WING AND DRINKING LEMONADE AND TALKING WALKS AND EATING TRADER JOE'S STRAWBERRY MOCHI AND LISTENING TO WILCO

Things about school I am excited for:
-looking out my window and seeing the river (APPARENTLY THE OTHER DAY THERE WAS A SAILBOAT THAT YOU COULD SEE BUT I WASN'T THERE TO SEE IT BUT ALL OF MY SUITEMATES SAW IT SO I KNOW IT'S TRUE)
-everything about my suitemates and their cuteness and their wonderfullness and their teaching me how to cook hot dogs (not that I had never made hot dogs or anything...)
-my crafty wall decor! Who knew I could make things without injuring myself and/or others?
-suitemate harmonies. all the time. amazingness.
-Wooster Group (check back in October for deetz)
-TOM'S RANCHO WRAP


Plus, it's almost my birthday! AAAAAdulthood.

Also, last night I made myself rice. Guys. Apparently one cup of rice is a lot of rice. I know because I scoffed and made two cups and now I will be living off of rice forever. Like a prisoner. A prisoner of my own stupidity.

*The story/mystery/horror of the mouse in my house:
For the last few weeks, we have seen activity that leads my family to believe that we have one, if not two mice, invading our downstairs. The most shocking evidence was when we saw one in the broad daylight. You would think that a mouse would be hesistant to appear in front of as roomful of people, but appear he did. In fact, he lingered. He lingered for so long that my mom shouted hysterically to my stepfather: "he just keeps walking around in there...HE'S GETTING A COCKTAIL!" I tried to point out to my mother that mice don't really walk per se, but she wouldn't hear it. Plus, this may or may not be the same mouse that, a few months ago, ate a bunch of our Nutter Butters and left droppings on the remaining cookies just to spite us. So we did what most would do and bought two mouse traps. Let me walk you through the trauma that happened next. At 3am, when I am the only one awake and watching television in the living room, I suddenly hear a snap. I know that we've got him. I feel a slight sense of victory--we'll teach you to eat our Nutter Butters. I also feel relieved to know that there will be no more mouse sightings. Unfortunately, 5 minutes later, I hear the loud clacking of plastic against the floor. I know that the mouse, caught in the trap, is now struggling to escape and, in the process, violently bouncing all around. HOW FAR WILL HE BOUNCE? COULD HE BOUNCE ALL THE WAY TO THE LIVING ROOM?? Plus, I REALLY wanted some lemonade but I also REALLY didn't want to turn on the kitchen light and see a bloody, mangled mouse in the middle of the floor. The clacking of the plastic went on for a full 20 minutes, at which point I became so disturbed that I had to run upstairs and hide under the covers. But HERE'S the kicker: the next morning I came downstairs and asked my stepfather about the state of the mouse. But he just looked confused. When he entered the kitchen upon awaking: THERE WAS NO MOUSE! He got. Away. Which means there is now probably a mouse rotting behind the fridge. And I bet that bastard will STILL find a way to eat our Nutter Butters.

Sorkinism #4.

Ainsley Hayes (in reference to President Bartlet): And I'm still scared to meet him, but I'll overcome that in order to erase the humiliation that I've brought upon myself and my father.

Sam: You're just in your own little Euripides play over there, aren't you?

Please do not contact the television program, "Intervention".

I am slowly beginning to pack for school and it has come to my attention that I may have a slight problem.

Jesus Christ. How did I accumulate so many plays? And not just any plays. Plays that are necessary for my being. I cannot be without them. I finally managed to get a hold of myself and set a small pile aside to leave at home. Why didn't anyone tell me that I had a problem?

BUT then I started thinking to myself. Maybe I am not the one with the problem. Where do these playwrights get off writing so many good plays? And THEN they have the gall to spell their name all silly with a "gh". Maybe they should stop being so good at writing. Maybe they are the ones with the problem.

To clarify: Just because I now recognize that I may have a mild addiction does not mean that I am planning any sort of lifestyle adjustment. I mean, I changed my blog template. What else does the world want from me??

OOOOO.

New template, y'all!

The old colors were boring me and it's like I just had blog-botox: it probably won't last long but GOD do I feel young and wild!

Future career plans.

GUYS. I finally figured out the career I would like to replicate exactly.

Philip Seymour Hoffman.

How could I not see it before? I was too busy admiring him to actually be COPYING him. ALL THE TIME I HAVE WASTED!!

Look at the facts, people:

1. Career spans both theatre and film.

2. Classical training.

3. Able to transition seamlessly from big-budget studio films to artsy indies.

4. Occasionally directs a stage piece.

5. Co-artistic director for a theatre company.

6. Somehow manages to be a well-known, extremely respected actor, yet has kept almost his entire personal life hidden from the public.

MAKE ME A MAN.

MAKE ME THIS MAN.

I figure, when I'm this young, I'm allowed to dream big.

Sorkinism #3.

Leo: "If we're going to walk into walls, I want us running into them full speed. We're going to lose some of these battles, and we might even lose the White House, but we're not going to be threatened by issues. We're going to bring 'em front and center. We're going to raise the level of public debate in this country, and let that be our legacy."

Saved-up thoughts.

I'm back after a torturous week without a computer. And, naturally, I've had a lot of thoughts during this week. I meant to write them down to share with you. Unfortunately, I did not have any paper. So I'll give you all I can remember, which appears to be 4. Summer makes my brain capacity go down.

1. When I was in NYC this weekend, I saw a couple on the sidewalk with matching scooters. No no, they were not an elderly pair both in need of electronic wheelchairs. They were 20-somethings, who did not appear to be tourists, in Times Square. And the matching scooters were RAZOR SCOOTERS. So basically my point is these were the coolest people ever and I wish I could be their child and ride with them into golden city sunsets.

2. Ender's Game--Huzzah! I finally see why it was an adolescent favorite of so many. IT IS FOR SERIOUSLY GREAT! I enjoyed every second.

3. The reason I was reading Ender's Game was because I needed an emergency book. I had brought another one with me, A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, expecting that the 400-page hardcover would last me at least the three days I was spending with my dad at the beach. The surprise was on me, though. It was so unbelievably fantastic that I finished it easily in two sittings. This book left me completely rejuvenated and so inspired that I think I've started writing my memoir. Sure, writing one's memoir at 19 may seem unwise to some, but I actually feel like it might make it more interesting to reflect on things that just happened last week. The excitements and regrets will be a lot more exaggerated that way. But back to Dave Eggers--obviously, as a long-time dedicated reader of McSweeneys, I've always been a little in love with the guy, but WOW now I am head-over-heels. Basically, I feel like there is no better proof of an author's greatness than his ability to infiltrate your brain and actually burn his voice onto the way you think. And all week I've been thinking Eggers-style. Granted, my thoughts were pretty similar to his (ie. ODD) before I read the book, but I can't get him out of my head. And that makes him pretty fucking great in my opinion.

4. I got an internship WHAT. After thinking that I totally bombed my interview a few months ago (I casually referred to archiving as, "my jam"), I will be spending my Fridays this year with the Wooster Group! Naturally, I am very, very, very excited. More than that, though, I'm a little bit terrified. I have an extremely strong paranoia that I am now in WAY over my head. But at least I'll get to watch hours of videos with cameos by naked Willem Dafoe!

Sorkinism #2.

President Bartlet: "Do you have a best friend? Is he smarter than you? Do you trust him with your life? That's your chief of staff."

Nothing can be wrong with this creature in the world.

Sorkinism #1.

Toby: "Nobody ever looks like Joe McCarthy. That's how they get in the door in the first place."

"Make it work."

Tim Gunn's voice is like a hot mug of cocoa after a long day of sledding. 

WITH mini-marshmallows. 

I AM SO HAPPY AND THEREFORE A TERRIBLE PERSON BUT I DON'T CARE.

THIS JUST IN FROM WIKIPEDIA ABOUT BRADLEY AND JANE KACZMAREK: 

"On June 19, 2009, the couple announced that they were filing for divorce after 16 years of marriage."

My time has come, World.

Wing of the West.

I may have started re-watching all of West Wing. Again. And all I have to say is:

BRADLEY WHITFORD BRADLEY WHITFORD BRADLEY WHITFORD BRADLEY WHITFORD.

Dear Bradley,

Remember that time I was walking near my apartment last summer and you were sitting at a window table in Pigalle. You were clearly loading up on proteins in between shows of Boeing Boeing and I was trying not to swoon when the most magical of moments occurred-- OUR EYES MET AND THEN THEY LINGERED! That's right, your smiling eyes fell upon my face and then they danced; OH, how they danced. 

!!!!!!!!!

Missed connection. But still fantastic. BAM. 

Just wait until Dule Hill makes his first appearance. Every time I watch the series, my heart is utterly split. Also, whenever I watch West Wing, I have a slight to moderate identity crisis and literally think I want to go to law school and then be a politician.

I guess I just want to play one in a show/movie/series?

Books.

I just finished Arthur Laurents' book, Mainly on Directing. I would thoroughly recommend it to anyone with an interest in directing, musical theatre, great shows, or any combination of these three. While it occasionally turns into an outlet for an old man to deliver snippy side-notes about past collaborators, it's a pretty fascinating look into both the art and business of theatre. And sometimes it takes Arthur Laurents candidly admitting his mistakes for me to remember that we can't expect ourselves to be perfect directors, artists, or people after only 20 years of life. If he's still learning, I'm pretty sure it's okay to admit that I still am, too. Some little gems I made note of and felt like sharing:

"What must come first, what is  basic to acting in a musical, is grounding the performance in emotional reality. That, of course, is basic to acting in a play, to acting in anything; but in a musical, that reality is harder to find and even harder to hold on to, because it is so covered with the language of the musical. The director's first task--and it's worth all the time it may take--is to make sure every one of his actors locates his emotional reality."

On the death of his long-term lover: "We were together for fifty-two years. I'm unable to live through the empty space; I can only survive."

"Why do directors direct? To be in control? To achieve the success they couldn't as actors? To produce theatre that gives the audience an experience only theatre can--moves them, excites and entertains, illuminates, and always makes them want to see more theatre, that's the desired answer."

As always, thank you DailyPuppy.com.

If I were a puppy, I'm pretty sure I would be this puppy.

My thoughts exactly.

Tracy Jordan: "Birds are like little dinosaurs, so what I'll be doing is actually pretty cool...and BRAVE!"

I'm almost all the way through the last season of 30 Rock! Saying goodbye will be tough for sure.

Things that are wrong with me.

Now here is a thing I have noticed. It has been brought to my attention (on more than one occasion, in fact) that I swing my arms an excessive amount when I walk. GODDAMN. Thanks a lot, Mom! When I was first learning to walk, instead of clapping your hands affectionately and recording it in the baby book, you clearly should have said, "No no, Honey, you're doing it wrong" and corrected me. 

The simplest things--always the hardest.  

Near-death and soooo delicious.

Guys--this.just.in. Traumatic experience!

I was downstairs in the kitchen, just preparing myself a bowl of spaghetti with all the fixings (yes, it is in fact 3am but any time is a good time for pasta in my opinion). Of course, I needed to make sure that the noodles were properly dressed with the right amount of parmesan cheese, so I decided to test it out by consuming a single noodle. I went through all the expected paces--I opened my teeth, put it on my tongue, chewed it up, and swallowed. Eating--I do it everyday. Easy right?

BUT NO.

For some reason, the single strand of spaghetti proved too difficult for me. It got stuck in my throat, creating a very painful and unnerving discomfort each time I attempted to swallow. I also could not tell if I was choking. I know people say that you would know for sure if you were choking but really, I could have been swayed either way. But the mere possibility was freaking me out. So, as any smart, strong, independent woman does in a time of crisis, I took a moment to assess the best way of handling the situation. 

The only choice, I swiftly decided, was to quickly and gracefully devour the entire bowl of spaghetti. And I did. Yes, others might have opted for a more typical solution (Heimlich, 911, etc), but I decided that over-eating was more up my alley. And you know what--IT WORKED. The rapid devouring of the remainder of the delicious pasta eventually cleared my airway and the pain dissipated. And I seem fine (I'll update if any serious medical concerns appear over time, OBVZ).

I felt that I needed to promptly blog about my near-death experience because I think it sends a good message to kids everywhere:

Over-eaters CAN live happily ever after.

And by live happily ever after, I mean just live.

And by just live, I mean somehow manage to survive another day. 

THE END.

Continuing the list of words I like.

Ampersand. That's a really great word. It's a wonderful symbol, too. I always want to use it more but I can never figure out how to recreate the damn thing. Every once in a while, I'll manage something that is reminiscent of & (although mine involves dots on either side), but I'd like to get it right. I'd really like to add that symbol to my print repertoire. I guess I've got three weeks until school starts?

And apparently a new project! HUZZAH!

Additionally...

Add to the list--plums. JESUS CHRIST, plums.

Simply Summer.

Summer always makes you appreciate the simple things in life:

1. The unbelievable beauty of a perfect peach, the kind where it is so incredibly ripe that you don't even mind when tiny bits get stuck in your teeth. It's worth it. 

2. 21-minute episodes of Arrested Development. They are like Reese's miniatures--always leave you wanting more, but even one by itself is delicious. 

3. Crafts. Just...crafts. 

4. A sun shower on an afternoon of unbearable humidity.

5. A good indoor fan.

6. Philadelphia consignment shops and the dollhouse-flawlessness of Society Hill houses. 

7. The life of my dog reflects my own attitudes and habits--there is a LOT of lying around on any available surface (if only 3 inches of the couch are available, I will somehow find a way to fit into it). I like getting my belly rubbed. My ears can't help but perk up at the sound of someone walking in the door. Smoked meat?--yes please. And if you put the TV on, I will undoubtedly watch it...or at least look in its general direction.

8. Wawa coffee.

9. The hilarious/brilliant/ridiculous combination of voices in Miyazaki's new movie:

-Cate Blanchett

-Miley Cyrus' younger sister

-Tina Fey

-the Jonas Brothers' younger sibling

-Lily Tomlin

-Liam Neeson

Oh, and of course Cloris Leachman. NATURALLY.

RE: 30 Rock, Season 2

Oh, it is DEFINITELY picking up.

Tracy Jordan to a pigeon on the street: "Stop eating people's old french fries, Pigeon. Have some self-respect. Don't you know you can FLY?"

Netflix Watch Instantly.

Currently watching: The Wackness.

I guess I'm a little confused. Isn't it a pinch early to be making a period piece about '94?

By the Hammer of Thor!

Slowly making my way through the entirety of 30 Rock. Just started season 2 and, I have to be honest, it's not as good as the middle-end of season 1. Someone please tell me it picks up? Although I am hoping to someday record this song:

Werewolf bar mitzvah
Spooky scary
Boys becoming men
Men becoming wolves...

Just some thoughts on my mind this morning.

I really like the word tabulate. 

T-A-B-U-L-A-T-E.

Great/Terrible Night.

Last night, Fate colored my world rose. My good friend from England has been in the city for a few weeks. Excellent. But she has no phone. Not so excellent. Every time we get together, it's an adventure of just showing up somewhere and waiting around for a while and hoping the other person has gotten our facebook messages. Sometimes it works, sometimes is doesn't. But last night it did work, because we met up outside the Al Hirschfeld to play the Hair lottery. It was her last night here and we just really really REALLY wanted to see it so we figured we'd try even though it was essentially impossible. But somehow, Fate knew we were pure of heart and smiled upon us, because my friend won!

I know I'm a little late hopping on the Hair train, especially since I have been absolutely in love with this show since I first listened to it when I was like seven (and then my mom quickly took away my CD when she remembered that there is a song called "Sodomy") but it was worth the wait. GO SEE THIS SHOW. It is sort of hard for me to cry from theatre but this one got me. COMPLETELY. I truly believe this show has the ability to change you, so let it. Also, if anyone can figure out how to get me into this show--suggest away because this is something I just neeeeeeed to be a part of. Besides, I've been perfecting my rendition of "Frank Mills" since elementary school. But literally. 

Some other thoughts I had during the show:

1. Will Swenson touched my hair so essentially Audra McDonald touched me, RIGHT??

2. Then Caissie Levy touched my hair. DOES THIS MEAN THAT I CAN BELT NOW??

3. Fringe--I should wear more of it.

4. The actress who plays Crissy was out. Do you think that if I had come to the theatre with my own print-outs reading, "The role of CRISSY, usually played by ALLISON CASE, will be played by EMILY KAPLAN," they would have been forced to let me perform?

Alas, my tale of last night doesn't end there. As I was walking home, feeling inspired and invigorated and touched, my spirits were quickly crushed. Walking down the hall of my apartment, I began to hear a very loud, high-pitched beeping noise. Interesting. Well my mild interest quickly turned into intense panic as I approached my door and realized that the beeping was coming from MY APARTMENT. As I was scrambling for my keys, I pictured myself opening the door and seeing the place 100% on fire. But when I entered--no flames, no smoke. Hmm. Instead, it was coming from the air conditioner. So while my life was safe for another day, I did have to awkwardly sit on the couch while the super came and removed the broken part. And then this morning, I had to awkwardly sit in bed at 8am when the super came back to replace said part. 

P.S. Did I mention that I was wearing a nightgown? I quickly put on some leggings underneath to try to make it a little less racy. Plus a bra. OBVIOUSLY. 

This story just goes to show you, the next time you are having a terrific night--beware. Because something is about to go frighteningly wrong. Oh, that's just my life because nothing ever works out the way I want it to? Got it, thanks. 

Sometimes things are crazy!

You did it AGAIN, StumpleUpon.

I'm BAAAAAAAACK.

Guys! I'm sorry it's been so long! Work has been absolutely insane the last few weeks. We're talking like, 13+ hour days. But the show I was interning for went up and it was ridiculously hilarious and wonderful. And featured the gassiest cast in the world. But they, as well as the creative team, were all tremendous and I can't remember laughing more than I have in the last three weeks. So now my job is over! It's really tripping me out actually--it feels like I was starting the internship yesterday and now it's just a memory. It was certainly hard work, but incredibly rewarding. You'd think now I'd be exhausted. You'd think I'd want to sleep until noon. But NO. I can't seem to sleep later than 9am. Which has left me with many hours to sit in my apartment and watch marathons of America's Next Top Model (not that I'm complaining). But if you feel like doing fun things, let me know!

Other news:

I SAW MY FLASHER AGAIN. I know, it seems impossible. But there he was, standing across the subway car from me. This time it was the N-R-W instead of the B-D but the rest of the scenario was the same. Same outfit, same open pants hidden behind a jacket. Except this time, instead of being completely exposed, he was wearing a purple banana hammock. I KID YOU NOT. I almost hope I see him again, because I want to inform the authorities instead of just running away. I am going to get you, Mr. Stalker/Banana-Hammock Man. 

Happier news:

My StumbleUpon account knows me oh-so-well. I just got THIS and smiles are now abounding. 

1. 2. 3.

1. Sometimes I just want to watch Bridezillas in bed and that needs to be okay. 

2. Please go see the Summer Play Festival shows. They are LEGIT, people.

3. If you actually read this, post a quick comment. I'm conducting a little experiment. 

RE: my last post.

I know this blog doesn't always portray me as having the liveliest of social lives. But puppy photos are just something I search for in my spare time, you know, not my MAIN hobby.

...sometimes I go to the movies.

REALLY IMPORTANT THINGS.

First:

Second:

Third: 

The only thing better than these photos is the bio of the third dog, who is advertised as "Stanley, the Adoptable Puppy". You are going to think I wrote it because it is just that unbelievable. But I swear to you all that the following is simply copied and pasted from the website thedailypuppy.com. Besides, I could never write something this brilliant:

"Stan is definitely The Man! One of the most dainty of his litter, he has a feisty go-get-'em mentality. Stanley had a rough start to life. Along with his six siblings, he was left in the hot desert. Several days later, Stanley and the crew were brought into our foster home. His wrinkly face and expressive eyes beg for your affection. Stanley's litter mates, other than Dorothy, are all predominately black Labrador mixes, but we suspect that Stanley has some German Shepherd in him. Whatever his genetics are doesn't really matter when you are being floored by his "cool dude" attitude."

mmmmEllen.

God, I just love it when Ellen dances.

Ipod.

Sometimes I like to listen to Joanna Newsom for like three minutes. Then I can't take any more and have to change it.

But I always really enjoy those three minutes. 

Swear to God.

Tonight, on the subway, I saw the Russian lovechild of Dustin Hoffman and John Turturro. Seriously.

P.S. Two-show days are hard. But I'm still lovin' ma HEADSET!

Excitement! Suspense! Projections! PICKLES!

First things first:

1. Wind tunnel + skirt = trouble. 

2. I met the sweetest old British lady in the elevator tonight. She sounded like Julie Andrews. CLASSY.

3. I just ate a cheesy burrito and then followed it up with two pickles. Yep, I mix-and-match cuisines. I don't discriminate. 

ALSO--

Tonight was the opening night for the Summer Play Festival! And even bigger news, I HAD ACTUAL RESPONSIBILITY AND I DIDN'T MESS IT UP. I know, I'm still in shock, too. You see, I'm in charge of controlling the video and projections used in the play from a board in the booth. Cool, right? Which means that if I fuck it up like I sometimes manage to do with things, it will actually make a difference. Scary, right? But together, the scary and cool factors make up a neat adventure. ADRENALINE-AHOY! I'm oddly really enjoying myself. I mean, I'm not saying that I'm quitting acting and moving to video projection. But the job gives a strange and fulfilling challenge. 7 more shows to go! Let's hope nothing major goes wrong!

...No, but seriously guys, let's hope.

What? You're coming to see it? What? You only have $10 to your name? Great! Because it only costs $10! See ya there!

Various days.

Some days, you wake up and turn on the faucet, and the water proceeds to sputter and then turn brown.

Other days, you end up staying at work for 11.5 hours. 

Sometimes, both of these things happen on the same day. These days aren't necessarily fun, but god are they full of adventure. 

Cerebral Collage.

A smattering of (potentially) genius thoughts:

-GUYS. What is Esther's secret???? I keep seeing the commercials and the previews and jesus I just want to knowwwwww.

-Bridezillas at 3am might just be the best thing ever.

-A young man on the corner tonight tried to sell me The Word. First of all, don't ask me if I believe in God. It ain't none of yo business. SECOND, when I tell you I don't, please don't ask me WHY. I may be small but I AM SCRAPPY and I will punch you in the head. This concludes my rant. 

-Today a puppy AND a baby got into the elevator with me. It's a pretty small elevator. It was perfection. 

-Fuerza Bruta was the most brilliant, beautiful, stimulating, fun piece of theatre/art/entertainment I have seen in a long time. I encourage everyone to see it over the summer. And if you decide to go, please tell me. Because I will go again. A hundred times. I would love to be in something crazy like that. Too bad I'm not an attractive foreign gymnast (yet).

-Take everything I just said about Fuerza Bruta. Reverse it. That is Shrek on Broadway.

-I just don't understand why Bride Wars will not work in my dvd player. Why god why?

-I need a voice teacher. Can anyone point me in the right direction?

-Things I did this week at work:

-clicked on approx. 1000000 website links

-went to New Jersey

-smacked a handful of people walking through midtown with a giant mounted poster

-took the subway and trekked home through Times Square completely drenched from head to toe. Everyone else was dry. 

-had to walk around for 45 minutes in the blazing hot midday sun to attempt to find a copy of L magazine on the street (don't worry, I never fail...but I do sweat)

-intern bonding

-intern bondage (kidding!)

-ate a lot of Mexican food on several occasions

-I just flipped by a program on TV called "Sex in the Civil War". I didn't watch it but BOY do I regret that decision. 

-A cherry push pop is just as delicious as you remember. 

-I finished all my pickles! What do I do now??

FUERZA BRUTA.

FUERZA BRUTA FUERZA BRUTA FUERZA BRUTA FUERZA BRUTA FUERZA BRUTA FUERZA BRUTA FUERZA BRUTA FUERZA BRUTA FUERZA BRUTA FUERZA BRUTA FUERZA BRUTA.

TONIGHT.

Obviously, I can't wait.

... ... ...

The last few nights in a row, at anywhere between midnight and 3am, I've had intense cravings for pickles.

Which, of course, I indulged by eating baby kosher dills in bed.

I mean, it's a delicious problem but...pickle cravings??? UHHHHH.

GAHHHHHH.

Sicko on the subway: 

Could you please zip up your pants? Because I REALLY didn't feel like getting flashed by you today.

THANKS.

Postscript.

The only highlight of my trip to the market: 

An old Spanish man walking down the aisle in front of me accidentally grabbed my hand because he thought I was his wife. She was busying herself by the Saltines. 

HILARITY!

Cravings.

Tonight, about halfway through the 3-hour Broadway production of Mary Stuart (which, by the way, was really quite good), I got the most intense craving for SMACKS cereal. The desire carried me all the way through the second act. Immediately after the curtain fell, I dashed to the grocery store closest to my apartment (don't judge me, I also had OTHER shopping to do). I went to the cereal aisle. A casual perusal didn't do the trick--I must have missed it. Have no fear, though. I walked up. I walked down. Missed them again. Curious...where were the SMACKS? My pace quickened as I passed my familiar friends: Life, Raisin Bran, Cheerios. But I didn't want to join the usual gang. I WANTED MY SMACKS. 

I write to you now from my apartment. Where I am eating...a banana. I hate you, Food Emporium. And, for the love of god, can somebody please tell me if SMACKS have been discontinued?? Because, if they have, we are doing a disservice to children around the globe and I will drop out of school to single-handedly lead the campaign to bring them back to markets (especially the Food Emporium a block away from me).  

Thank you for your time. 

Hopefully I'll be Equity by then.

A thought has just dawned on me:

If "Entourage" ever becomes a Broadway musical, I will be playing Lloyd, the asst. of Ari Gold. 

And the casting will be perfect.

But no, they seriously do call it puppy love.

Please be mine. I'll even let you be the little spoon. 

!!!

I HAVE TO SEE THIS.

Who's in? I hear they have student rush tickets. I WILL RUSH THIS EVERY DAY IF I HAVE TO.

Lost and Found.

To: The girl who, I assume, rushed out of some random guy's apartment early this morning with sleep creases still on yo' face.

Found: ONE BLACK THONG crumpled into a ball, located on the corner of 54th and Broadway.


Feel free to retrieve at any time.

Mhmm.

YESSSSS, young girl walking around Times Square wearing full-out butterfly face paint: YOU. ARE. FIERCE.

Also, Liev Schreiber, I appreciated the quality time I saw you spending with your child today. Good work.

Confessions.

Dear BlogThatKnewTooMuch,

I just made the bed. Now I am noticeably winded. It WAS a very large bed, but is it possible that there is something wrong with me?

Yours in confidence,
Freakishly Flushed

Hmm?

Guys, I'm not going to go out of my way to lie and say that I DON'T like watching Wife Swap.


Because, I mean, lying is wrong. But Wife Swap is soooooo right.

Life Lessons: From Me to You.

THE TOP 13 THINGS I'VE LEARNED SINCE I RETURNED TO NEW YORK...YESTERDAY.

1. The door to the offices of the Wooster Group is VERY hard to find.

2. Apparently when I live alone, sometimes I become a 30-year-old bachelor. Tonight I needed a midnight snack and I decided to make some Chef Boyardee Ravioli. I don't know when/by whom this can was purchased. But I made it. And I ate it all. No regrets.

3. I wish I could, and think I might possibly be the love-child of Audra McDonald and Julie White...without any trace of blackness (much to my chagrin).

4. I'm getting very good at using my Ipod to provide the soundtrack to my own life (tonight was Bon Iver on the downtown E).

5. No matter how little I am and how large my suitcase is, I will simply never be the kind of girl who is helped by kind strangers on the train.

6. I would be willing to pay someone with size 5 1/2-6 feet (probably a female tween or large elementary schooler) to wear my new shoes. She will get blisters, but she will also get hefty compensation.

7. To the vanity plate on the mini-van I saw driving today that read "FOSHZLE": I saw you. I judged you.

8. Nothing brings me more joy than watching great actors do great work.

9. It's a good thing I've been lifting those 5-lbs weights because milk is heavy.

10. I will ALWAYS get a kick out of those people who dance on the subway to their Ipods and just totally GO FOR IT.

11. I miss acting. It's been far too long.

12. The morbidly obese black woman next to me on the subway tonight: "MMMMgrrl, I can't wait to get home and have me a Toffuti Cutie!" The experience didn't really teach me anything, but JESUS was it funny.

13. I like the false sense of independence that living along brings me, but it can also be really lonely.

I. just. can't. stop. watching. this.

It's just SO good.

My own missed connection...of sorts.

To Ian, from LensCrafters:

You, sir, were very attractive.  I liked your beard and I liked your thick frame glasses. I think they would have made a nice match with my thick frame glasses. Also, you seemed very kind.

All this was true, of course, UNTIL YOU BROKE MY GLASSES. Just, broke them. Snapped one of the stems right off. Oh, what's that crunch? Ah, yes, MY GLASSES. Oh, that's so kind of you, going to fetch me a duplicate pair of frames from the display, seeing as that is your job and all. What's that you say? There are no more in the store and now you have to special order them, taking approximately 10 days? It's especially a shame that I'm leaving Pennsylvania in two days then, isn't it?

It really is too bad, Ian. I think we could've had something truly great. Unfortunately, now all I can feel for you is disdain. 

On repeat.

Following is in style...but not stalking.

My number of followers has greatly expanded within the last two days.

AND I'M LOVING IT!

Family Ties.

We drove in the car today.

My stepfather played Enya over the speakers.

That's right, the 90's came and went but still she remains.

The wonder of syllables.

Tony Time!

So I decided to do a little blogging during the Tonys, just in case I had some thoughts. Which apparently, I did. I decided not to go back and edit so these are real thoughts, guys. UNCENZZZORED. Ps. Warning--Spoilers!!

Nice start. Turn on Elton John's mic. It's the first line of the night. Let's get on the ball, peeps.

Is someone warming up during the first few songs? Maria from West Side Story?? Whoever it is, it's hysterical. 

Mash-up between Stockard Channing singing "Bewitched..." and Next to Normal?? I think not.

Neil, what is your suit? pleather? But you pull it off, so I respect you.

I want to be in Hair. Who is going to make that happen for me?

Jane Fonda. Plunging Neckline.

Do you think the girl who comes out with the tony is an aspiring actress? If so, is that fun or incredibly painful? I could see it going either way.

The tony is a man flailing his arms flamboyantly. I never noticed that before but SO APPROPRIATE. 

Shrek--I had no desire to see. I have even less now that I've seen you perform. Bad news. 

Wait? IS LORD FARQUAAD A DRAG QUEEN IN THE MUSICAL? I retract my former statement. 

Jeanine Tesori: you should be writing "Caroline or Change 2: Back 2 da Basement" instead of this.

OMGZ James Gandolfini really DOES look like Shrek. Hilarious!

Bahaha Angela Lansbury is sitting in front of two ogres and a man in a donkey suit--Raunchy!!

I should invest in some of those Mamma Mia platform shoes; I would almost be normal height.

Also, one of those ladies has goat vibrato like whoa.

Neil Patrick Harris is a naughty imp and I love it!

Rita!

One time, someone told me I looked like Dolly Parton. Not. A Compliment.

Karen Olivo, really the only word for you is: fierce. 

Daymn Susan Sarandon-- you look good.

OH MY GOD Rock of Ages guitarist, why is your face so effing scary???

Every time I see or hear Rock of Ages I think it's an actual joke that the universe is playing on me. 

Liza Minelli= "Tony-nominated freak machine"

MGHarden is going GLAM, baby.

The microphone pass-off for Guys and Dolls was brilliant, particularly hearing the guy say before he ran on, "Am I going on with it?? I'm going on!!"

What is that Heaven graphic background? Curious. 

Oh, Mary Testa. You so cray-cray. And I LOVE IT!

MARTHA PLIMPTON I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU JUST SO MUCH.

Karen Olivo. I'm literally crying. 

Alice Ripley, let's try to stay with the music, shall we?

Jesus, I'm such a bitch. 

Again, why was Aaron Tveit not nominated. Dumb. 

Geoffrey Rush, you crack me up!

Ughhhh Frank Langella why are you so good?

And silly!

...and bitter?

...wait this is getting kind of awkward...

The Mary Stuart female nominees are sitting in front of the director of Rock of Ages. Extreme contrast.

Am I the only one who thinks it's weird to have the best play nominee highlights introduced by members of their casts? Ditto for best musical.

Christ that was some good dancing, Billy.

Harvey Fierstein, you always have/do/will creep me out.

Fun Fact: Carole Channing is still alive. 88!

"Time Heals Everything"...great song.

Yessssss Hair!

Audra you are so beautiful you are the love of my life be mine forever.

Billy/Billy/Billy are the new Jonas Brothers. but cuter!

Oh man! Chandra Wilson is starting in Chicago?? She's super-duper. 

Billy Elliot--predictable win, but not disappointing. 

Neeeeeeil, your voice is like delicate silk sheetsssssssss.

Mmmmm.

Re-watching season 1 of Heroes. Remembering the goodness.

Have I mentioned how much I love Zachary Quinto? Jesus, I'm so predictable. 

I SHOULD HAVE A SHOW ON ANIMAL PLANET.

I have a new doggy friend--Teddy, my dad and stepmom's Cockapoo! Teddy has three favorite activities:

1. Scooting along the carpet. 

2. Licking his genitals.

3. Chillin' wit me!

Not to mention getting his tummy rubbed! But who doesn't like that? 

Note: See my blogger profile for my feelings on tummy-rubbing.

I'm craving for you--I'm missing you like CANDY.

Weird. I thought I posted this earlier in the week. But I just saved it. Because I'm stoopid. Anyway, here are some text message highlights from my trip last weekend to HERSHEY PARK--THE SWEETEST PLACE IN AMERICA. It really was a super duper good time and I continually conquered my fear of heights by riding the rollercoasters. And YES, I COULD ride them all, even with my undeniable height limitations. But for yoooour information, I made it into the tallest height group--the jolly ranchers.

Just barely, though.

--->B (1:44pm): Update from Hershey Park: rollercoaster just made me drool on myself. I am an enfant. More updates to come.
--->B (1:48pm): also I just realized I spelled infant the french way...odd.
--->B (2:10pm): Update #2--caught the Hershey photo of myself on the next rollercoaster. I looked legit like I WAS COMING OUT OF THE WOMB.
--->B (2:12pm): I tried to take a photo of my photo but they caught me and yelled at me
--->B (2:44pm): Update #3--I am now double-fisting diet coke and water and it is THE BEST DECISION EVER.
--->B (3:57pm): Skeeball is the greatest. I want to win a penguin!!
--->B (3:57pm): Clarification--a STUFFED penguin.
--->B (4:50pm): I think someone pooped on himself during the last ride because when it stopped there was an intense poop smell in the air that wasn't there before.
--->B (5:41pm): I don't know if you can "win" at bumper cars but im pretty sure I just did.
--->B (7:15pm): Sad update. We are leaving. And feel sick.

You know an amusement park trip is fun if you feel sick on the way home. That's really the only way to know for sure. 

WOWZA.

IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN PIXAR'S UP YET, DO SO IMMEDIATELY.

It was one of the best movies I've ever seen. I laughed, I cried (literally), I loved.

Plus, I got a new Ipod! It was sort of like putting down the pet you've had since elementary school (my Ipod was almost this old, in fact), so I was very heartbroken when it finally gave out for good, but my new one is silver and pretty. And it actually plays my music, instead of just crying out in pain through a grinding, churning sound.

And the case I got for it is what color? Purple! PURPLE!

...Sometimes I think I'm just becoming a caricature of myself.

Truth be told...

Guys, I like beef jerky and I'm NOT gonna lie about it.

Also, while driving around town today, my friend and I spotted a clothing store called "Casual Male XL". I must remember to check that one out.

Furthermore:

I--took--another--jog--today?? Weird. Although, if this post is all about telling the truth, it was more of a walk than a jog. Whatever. Unfortunately, when I was jogg(walk)ing, my entire street smelled like bacon. MAKE IT HARDER FOR ME, UNIVERSE. 

Mmmmmwhat?

I--went--for--a--jog??

Further rants and raves.

How many days do I have to lift 5 lbs weights before I get bulging arm muscles?!?! God, body. Get it together. 10 lbs is just asking too much, though.

In better news, during one of my 5am internet adventures (they occur daily), I discovered that all of Twin Peaks is free online. LIFE HAS MEANING ONCE AGAIN.

...

Pennsylvania, what are you doing to me?

Postscript.

GRLBLLY.

Maybe it was Girl Billy?? LIKE A FEMALE BILLY GOAT???

Some thoughts from the dentist chair.

Jesus Christ, my jaw hurts.

OBVIOUSLY I could floss more. Does anyone ever meet the dentist flossing expectations?

Who cleans the dentist's teeth? Is that awkward?


ALSO--
I saw a vanity plate on a vehicle parked outside the local elementary school: GRLBLLY.

Girl Bully? I don't understand why that would be flattering.

UGHHHHHH.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAndy Samberg.

My love for you only grows with every day and every interview I watch.

Creepy? Perhaps. But true? Definitely.

Dog. Dress.

I think this dog's face says it ALL:

If you try to make your dog wear this dress, he will eat your face.

Postscript Postscript.

ALSO--

"I'm Through With White Girls" (2007).

I'm not exactly sure what it is yet but doesn't it just sound GENIUS?

Postscript.

Also--

The Other Sister.

Although I know it's so wrong.

Netflix Watch Instantly

New arrivals that I am excited about (in no particular order):

1. Little Shop of Horrors (1960)...although, to be honest, I should probs take a break from this one.

2. She's All That...even though I feel strongly that this movie implies a negative view of girls wearing glasses. 

3. Joseph Campbell and The Power of Myth...I have a thing for myths...and just because something is six hours long, doesn't necessarily mean it's bad (ex. Angels in America) 

4. Meerkat Manor (Seasons 1 AND 2)

5. THE BABYSITTER'S CLUB!!!!!!

I had a weekly screening of The Babysitter's Club every summer when I lived at the beach for a month...and when I say a weekly screening, I do in fact mean that I would watch it by myself and act it out and fantasize about the more romantic parts.

Leave me alone. 

Christ, Craigslist!

It makes me sad when I bookmark or blog about super-special Craigslist "Missed Connections" that are so ridiculous it's amazing, and then they expire or are flagged for removal, never to be seen again.


I'M TRYING TO RUN A BLOG HERE, CRAIGSLIST--HOW AM I TO DO THAT IF YOU KEEP EXPIRING ALL MY BEST MATERIAL??

Some things are meant to be shared.

http://www.berner.org/gallery/main.php?g2_itemId=3345


LOVIN' ITTTTT.

Musings.

1. How How How can I possibly be such a bad driver? I don't understand. Why is it that I get behind the wheel and just lose all sense of logic and BECOME AN IDIOT??

But here's another thing: although I would consider myself a very bad driver, I've never been in an accident. Bewildering? Yes.

2. It's true. In a previous post on this very blog, I have implied negative feelings towards Kathy Griffin. We don't all like the same things. It happens.

HOWEVER--

I DO enjoy her new commercial. Particularly the part where she tries to check-in at an event and they don't know her name. Oh, Kathy...

But that is ALL I will give you Kathy fans, K?

Listen.

Sometimes you just have to go out and try something simply because I tell you that it's the best thing ever.

And this is the best thing ever.

Strawberry, people. THAT'S what I'm talking about.

HOLY HOLY COW!

Note the subject line.

How could I be so dumb? OF COURSE Arcade Fire has the coolest band website ever! Because they are one of my favorite bands and how could they NOT??

Seriously. It has scrapbooks, people. And cool art. And music. And videos. And journals. And neat little puzzles that you have to figure out to find secret, hidden parts of the website.

Now, I love Arcade Fire more than ever, and I thought that was impossible.

Check it out when your bored: http://www.arcadefire.com/yope.html

If only I could make my blog that cool.

I LOVE DOGS.

http://mcsweeneys.net/2009/4/30donovan.html


Like, seriously. I just love them so much.

Chagrin.

What is this mosquito bite on my right butt cheek?? I do not like that at all.

YAY--I'm back! Were you worried? I bet you were worried. Well, worry no more! I was just apart from my computer for a few days while I went to my brother's graduation (WOOT), but now we are reunited.

AND IT FEELS SO GOOD.

HAHAHHA.

Best text message(s) I've gotten all week:

<-----E: There is a girl on the train who is your vocal doppelganger! It is creepy hearing you but seeing someone else!

----->Me: Hahha she doesn't look like me though?

<-----E: No. I can't really see her face but she has bad hair.

Confusion

I'm not sure I understand.

ELF??

Like, a real elf??

I just feel like I'm missing something.

...more than just the missed connection.

Post script.

P.S. I just read that article more thoroughly and it is actually really really scary and it scared me and I didn't like it.

Today.

The city smelled like stinky beach today.

Also, when I came into work, this was the page that the last employee left open on the computer:
???


We are a curious breed here at the TIC.

Breakfast for dinner!

The only thing better than breakfast for dinner is breakfast for brunch.

Runners-up include:
1. Breakfast for lunch.
2. Breakfast for breakfast.

Need. Food. Can't. Go. On.

I am the hungriest person in the world right now. I am also the stupidest person because I left my wallet at home and have to work for another hour. SUFFERING.



On a happy note, I just passed a woman on college walk and when she was about a foot away from me, a baby popped out from behind her. Turned out, she was wearing one of those baby-carrying-backpack-contraptions and I hadn't noticed.

Granted, it would have been cooler if the baby had just been clinging onto the mother's back with its fingers (claws, talons, etc) but this was cool, too. BECAUSE THE BABY SMILED AT ME!

POTENTIALLY MOST TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCE YET.

JAVA CITY. 12:30PM.

I picked up a container of edamame to inspect and what I put it down, there remained on my hand STICKY GREEN NUCLEAR SMELLY EDAMAME GOO. IT WAS SO STICKY AND SO NEON GREEN. This shit could have turned me into a teenage mutant ninja turtle (although that would actually be really awesome). Instead of doing that, it just left a really icky residue and I might wake up tomorrow with my finger skin seared off.

Or a super-power.

I'll keep you updated.

Good news.

Halfway done with finals! And in a few hours, I'll be 3/4 done!

WOOT.

Something I learned today that I think I might have known before but I'm stupid so I guess I forgot:

On a two final day, especially when you have to go to work afterward, sleep is the most important thing. Fuck studying, go for the sleep.

What's that? How much sleep did I get last night? That would be 45 minutes. And I still probably failed that final. The universe hates me.

I mean, there's proabably not a technical RULE against it but...

The cashier at m2m was wearing headphones while she was working the register.

Ipod earbuds= probably not great for customer service.

Where's your dalmatian?

Last night, a fireman in his firetruck gave me a skeazy wave (not the left-to-right standard wave or the frozen hand of acknowledgment, but the closing fingers to palm wave that you sometimes do to a baby). Anyway, for some reason it really got my goat.

Fireman are supposed to make us feel safe! Not undress us with their eyes. That made me feel UNSAFE. Do you job, fireman!

This is not a Duane Reade.

A woman stopped by the TIC today to ask me this gem of a question:

"Do you have an extra umbrella back there?"

For buying? For lending? No. What do you think this is?

Chaos!

Someone set off the fire alarm. In the library. The week of finals. While it's pouring ridiculously hard outside.


Life is cruel.

10 1/2 hours to go.

MIDNIGHT BREAKFAST MIDNIGHT BREAKFAST MIDNIGHT BREAKFAST MIDNIGHT BREAKFAST MIDNIGHT BREAKFAST MIDNIGHT BREAKFAST MIDNIGHT BREAKFAST MIDNIGHT BREAKFAST MIDNIGHT BREAKFAST MIDNIGHT BREAKFAST MIDNIGHT BREAKFAST MIDNIGHT BREAKFAST MIDNIGHT BREAKFAST MIDNIGHT BREAKFAST MIDNIGHT BREAKFAST MIDNIGHT BREAKFAST MIDNIGHT BREAKFAST MIDNIGHT BREAKFAST MIDNIGHT BREAKFAST MIDNIGHT BREAKFAST MIDNIGHT BREAKFAST.


I don't know if you guys know this, but Midnight Breakfast is actually capable of fixing everything that is wrong in the world.

IT CAN HEAL LEPERS.

This just in from the TIC.

Someone just bought a movie ticket voucher.
His last name had 21 letters.



It barely fit on his id.

OMGZZZ

GUYS THIS IS WHAT I HAD FOR LUNCH AND IT WAS SO GOOD I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU'RE DOING RIGHT NOW YOU NEED TO STOP DOING IT AND GET THIS:

DELICIOUS.

SERIOUSLY.

Probably could use some editing.

I saw a flier today. At the top in bold,

"HELP ANOTHER WOMAN GET PREGNANT."

I mean, it went on to discuss being an egg donor, but I feel like the hook might be somewhat misleading?

Nothing is impossible if your heart is pure.

I actually found a seat in Butler next to my friend?

Can't believe it.

On the sidewalk.

A Panino delivery man looked at me coyly like we were sharing some sort of inside joke.

We weren't.

Post-wedding

Back from my Dad's wedding. I decided to chronicle the adventure by simply recording some of the text messages I sent out yesterday to my best friends. Given that this is the internet and I'm no STUPID, initials will be used. Again, real texts. Real emotions.

---->A (10:15am): OMG 911 wedding hair emergency
---->A (10:19am): I literally think she'd never seen curly hair before in her life. Some highlights
include almost no product and A BRUSH. A BRUSH.
---->A (10:27am) And of course I didn't bring anything with me because oh, I WAS GETTING MY DONE.
---->A (10:34am): Beyond saving
---->A (11:00am: My 12-year-old stepsister--"Look, with these shoes on, I'm as tall as you!"
---->A, C, H, A, E, S, E (11:07am): I will kill a baby before this day is over.
<----A (11:18am): You can't get arrested! You'll embarrass your dad!
---->A (11:18am): I'm not gonna get caught. DUH!
<----C (11:39am): H and I will be in the library in about an hour or so if you want to join us.
---->Y (11:40am): Oh my god I'm already dying. i have no one to talk to.
---->Y (1:05pm): The staff takes pity on me. The young female bartender can feel my pain.
---->Mom (1:06pm): Francis and Joe say hi.
---->Mom (1:06pm): Whoops, Francesca...
---->Mom (1:07pm): Uncle Ed just called me your name. IRONIC.
---->B (1:37pm): Old people dancing. I AM SCARRED FOR LIFE.
---->B (3:07pm): Also this literally 90-year-old man keeps creeping on me. But we are family now so...too bad.

And those were only the highlights. Basically, weddings SUCK when you are in your 20's unless there is at least one another person your age there. Or not everyone knows you are underage...

Mmmm.

Paella contains all things good.

Predictions.

My dad is getting married tomorrow. Here's how I think it might go:

Number of times someone will ask me my major: 57390289832095
Number of times someone will ask me if I have a boyfriend: 358975897
Number of times someone will ask me where the bathroom is: 789327

Glasses of alcohol I will be offered: 0.


My phone will be on and yours should be, too.

Confusion.

To the gangly couple uncomfortably cuddling/nuzzling in front of me all through Julius Caesar:


There are some Shakespeare plays that contain "romantic" aspects.

This is not one of them.

This is one of those Shakespeare plays where people stab each other. A lot.

The fact that you apparently found this to be an aphrodisiac disturbs me slightly.

Stats.

Pages per hour I can read when I'm interested: approx 75.

Pages per hour I can read when the book is Edgar Huntly, or Memoirs of a Sleep-Walker: approx 10.

Not even exaggerating.

Another fun fact, this book was due for my American Lit class on February 2nd. I hate finals so much.

Here's a thing I think should start happening--

Comments. Made by you.

Guys, this could be a really fun, new adventure that we embark on together!

Let's make it happen.

POLLY POCKET.

THERE IS NOTHING BETTER IN THIS WORLD THAN WHEN YOU REALIZE FOR THE FIRST TIME THAT YOUR DRESS HAS POCKETS.


P.S. Why are the times of all my posts wrong?

Musings.

I've been wondering a lot lately (thanks to the helpful prodding of some close friends), how much of what I decide to do is colored by my insecurities--by what I think I can't do?

When I approach it really simply, I know what I want to do with my life.

Maybe instead of worrying so much about how I'm going to get what I want, I should focus more on knowing that I will get it. I suppose I'll just figure out the "how" as I go along.

Bahahaha.

"Today, I realized that the senior thesis I turned in last week uses the word "asses" instead of "assess" 17 times. FML."


"Today, my kids told me for the FIRST time, my cooking was delicious. I made Kraft dinner that night. FML."
(In all fairness, can you blame them? Who doesn't love the Blue Box?)


"Today, my mother sent a letter to my best friend trying to comfort her over the death of her mother. She signed the letter, "LOL, Jen" thinking LOL stood for "lots of love." FML."

Links.

I would not be upset if someone bought me a ticket to this.

I would, however, not be happy if someone kidnapped me and brought me to this.

Also. How tragic would it be if you were the dog who stumbles upon this on craigslist.com and has the perfect spots and everything but cannot reply due to lack of typing skills? And opposable thumbs?? SO TRAGIC.

UMMMM.

Note to the student body of Columbia:

DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT PURCHASE YOUR VARSITY SHOW TICKET ENTIRELY WITH CHANGE.

Doing so WILL result in your death.

Facebook messages.

Guys, there's really nothing better than getting a tender facebook message from a long lost friend. It always brings a smile to my face when I see (1) next to the facebook folder in my gmail (see how organized I am!) and, expecting it to be some lone wolf kid from middle school inviting me to play ZOMBIEZZZZ, it's instead a surprising hello from someone I've been missing. I can't think of anything better.

...

I mean, sure, it might be better if a long-lost friend appeared at my door with flowers and a totally free weekend that we could use to catch up and giggle and frolic. Or they could send me an Edible Arrangement© (please god, someone send me an edible Edible Arrangement©). Or I guess even a phone call is a little more personal than a facebook message.

But I understand the limitations of daily life. People are busy. So I will continue to appreciate the joy that is a wonderfully unexpected facebook message.

It really doesn't take very much to make me smile.

No.

AW MAN.

The Little Vampire now available to watch instantly from Netflix--how am I ever supposed to sleep now that I am privy to this information??

HEAT RASH.

HEAT RASH.

fml.

Picnic in the park.

Riverside Park=

PUPPIES BABIES PUPPIES BABIES PUPPIES BABIES.

And I loved every minute.

Avoiding TIC work

I need a belt. ASAP. Or else Lerner is gonna be getting a free show.

Plus, congrats to Caroline for being the first official follower!! What a trendsetter!

Postscript

Now that it's super hot out, I feel it's important to note--

Female "Jorts" (jean shorts): acceptable
Male "Jorts": unacceptable

Dispatch from Theatre History II

Just for anyone who has forgotten:
-Classes of this course remaining: 2
-Grades we have received for our work thus far: 0

So hopefully I'm not failing. That would be a surprise. They should have a special marking on your transcript for situations like that--SNEAK-ATTACK FAILURE!!!!!

Also, here's a haiku I just wrote about the temptation of the outdoor BBQ happening right now outside our classroom:
O, Hot Dog, you tease. (5)
Your moist buns shine in the sun. (7)
Your ketchup--my blood. (5)

Lastly, when do people start buying boxes for moving out? Because last year when I went to the bookstore, they only had one GIANT box left. Of course, I bought it. But it was really really hard to carry back to the dorm. And this year I live even further, so I'm just trying to be prepared.
Also, as it turns out, packing everything you own into one huge cardboard box tends to be met with looks of hatred from your parents. Although that can be viewed as a silver lining for some.

So I guess I accidentally made this blog.

WHOOPS.

Here's the current thought:
Why are my hands so small? I want to be able to play the banjo. Or the guitar. But preferably the banjo. There was a girl on the lawn today practicing her banjo and it's possible that I've never been more jealous in my life.

That last part isn't entirely true, but you get my point.

Curse you, baby hands!